Reflections from the Smokey Mirror | The Smoke of Self-Judgment
There are moments when the smoke doesn't appear as loud thoughts. It hides quietly in the body, in the pause before speaking, in the tightness of the chest, in that small urge to hold back.
That's what happened to me in one of my singing lessons. I'd been practicing for months, learning to breathe, to open, and to trust the sound. That day, my teacher asked me to try something new, to let my voice move freely, unfiltered.
Intellectually, I knew I was safe. I knew I was there to learn and explore. Yet my body responded as if I were stepping into danger. Heat rose through my chest and my hands trembled. It felt as though I were about to reveal a secret I'd been keeping for years and expose it for the world to see.
When I finally sang, my voice cracked and wavered. It wasn't perfect or polished, like I've always tried to be, and with that sound came emotion, a flood of it. My eyes filled with tears as I realized I was meeting a part of myself I had judged for so long: the loud one, the wild one, the expressive one. The one who doesn't have it all together. The one who fails, who doesn't know, who can't always figure things out.
She was the girl who'd been told she was too much, too emotional, too dramatic. In my effort to be "good," I had silenced her.
That moment wasn't about singing anymore; it was about allowing the part of me I had once rejected to come out and play, to exist, to be heard.
The Toltecs say the smoke is everything that clouds our awareness, the stories, the judgments, the fears. That day, I saw that layer of smoke clearly. Is it gone? Not completely. I'll find out in my next lesson, when I face it again. But I know it gets lighter each time.
Through the smoke, I saw a woman learning to love all parts of herself again, even the messy, unpolished voice that dares to be free.
Every time we let a hidden part of ourselves be seen, every time we forgive what we once rejected, the mirror clears a little more.
And our truth begins to sing again. 🪞
When women gather in circle, we create the same space of courage, a space to meet the parts we've silenced and bring them back into harmony.
That's what Women of the Smokey Mirror is for: to remember the beauty in our own voices, together. 🌹
✨ Enrollment is open and we begin next week: www.karlaruiz.love/women-of-the-smokey-mirror